I Think it's Going to Rain Today

22 September 2009
I love the rain.  I love falling asleep to the sound of rain at night.  I love the smell of the air before the rain.  I love running through the rain.  It's fabulous in every way.  My plants also love the rain, they can tell the difference between rain water and other water, it seems.

Since I've been staying home with the baby I have occasional flashes of sadness about leaving my career behind.  Everyone knows that it cannot just be picked back up, what you get is a crumbled mess of a career you have to rebuild.  I've been home 9 months now.  I had said I would stay home a year.  Sadly, I am seeing what an absolute liar my 12 year old is and see how easily she bends to peer pressure, and just how eager she is to impress, and have convinced myself that either drugs or a pregnancy are in her future if I let her come home alone.  So now I decide, nanny or mommy?  She's too old for childcare in a center environment.

The other day my husband called me a former lawyer.  I cried my eyes out.  I worked so hard for this.  There is also another child, my boy in the middle.   He's like the little girl with the little curl.  When he's good, he's very, very good, but when he is bad, he is horrid.  So, back to the mommy vs. nanny dilemma.  A nanny could be here with baby all day and be here for the kids afterwards, much like I am now.  She can get them to sports and other activities and give them a sense of discipline.  Can I handle someone so completely taking over the role of mom?  Can I trust anyone with my children?  We've all heard the horror stories.  Money is a bit of an issue, but just in terms of quality of life.  My husband can cover the bills but there's no room for extras, like the amazing summer camp the kids have become accustomed to, or the clothes with the labels that everyone is wearing, or a college fund (that's a huge one).

Thanks for listening.